So, one of our younger children had their birthday at the weekend. It was always going to be hard and stressful, and we all knew it, although no-one said out loud. There were a lot of iffy tummies on Friday and Saturday - the atmosphere was more than a little tense. You simply can't escape the fact that his oldest sister should be there too, and we were all upset that she wasn't.

The day started well with a lie in until 9am for us, while a couple of the teenagers got up with the little ones, then croissants and chocolate brioche for breakfast.

Wrapping paper is the best thing ever for 4 year old little brothers apparently.

On the day it was released we bought the Volkswagen T1 Camper Van set 10220 and it is a fabulous set. It is huge, it's too big for LEGO minifigures, but perfect for the old Technic people. With 1332 pieces and costing £79.99 it's only a mid-range model pricewise, yet the work and design devotion that's gone into this vehicle is astounding. As such it's an incredibly fiddly build, and the suggested age range is a mature 16+.



The attention to detail is amazing. Right down to the petrol filler next to the rear air vents, the engine including alternator belt in the engine bay....


The bench seat, super long gear stick and authentic dashboard with no flat areas...


The drop down table and 'rock and roll' bed which actually works better than they seem to in real life - when you've had a couple of beverages and you're shattered and there are 3 bags of clothes and some small children in the way....



 

And the 'pop top' roof, plus genuine 60's roof rack - only missing the vintage 'Coke' cool box...


Not to mention the 'barn doors' with attached cupboards, and terrific curtains...


The rear wardrobe has a t-shirt hanging up which is visible through the window (spot on).


There are so many other details it would be ridiculous to carry on listing them.




One of the most beautiful parts of the build though is the front of the van. The front windscreen glass opens outwards as a real Splitscreen van does, the wing mirror is perfectly and ridiculously small, and the swooping V is beautifully done.


This is a model I never tire of looking at, and my children love it when we bring it down for them to have a play. There are so many moving and interesting parts, the design is absolutely fabulous. The Volkswagen T1 Camper Van offers exceptional value for money in my opinion, and is my all-time favourite LEGO model.

I could be biased though, I met my partner because we both had VW campers....

The LEGO T1 Splitscreen Camper Van set 10220 retails at £79.99 and is available from LEGO shops and LEGO.com at that price with free delivery and VIP points that add up for free LEGO, or you can buy it on ebay for more.

If that's beyond your price range or ability then I've also reviewed the LEGO City Camper 60057, which is a much smaller and more child-friendly model.

It'll come as no surprise to anyone who knows us that we now have 3 LEGO camper vans (as well as a real one). The larger Volkswagen Splitscreen LEGO model belongs to the grown ups, but the 2 smaller models are the children's.


Friends sent the children the 60057 set as a gift, and without any prompting our 4 1/2 year old opened it and built it entirely on his own. He was incredibly proud. This is the first time he's taken a set with instructions and built the model as suggested, rather than just making up something himself or using the picture on the box as a rough guide for his own creation.


So what is the camper van like? It's pretty cool actually. The model has a suggested age range of 5-12, costs £17.99 and has only 195 pieces. This makes it ideal for a younger builder. There are no overly fiddly bits, and it's a fairly straightforward build. The shape of the vehicle comes together pretty quickly, so it's easy to see where it's going.


The previous (now discontinued) LEGO City Camper Van model 7639 was much smaller and a lot less sophisticated. It opened down the middle, and while it was still very cool and we were very happy with it, you can see that play is somewhat limited. The opening sides meant it took up a lot of space and the 2 seats inside filled the rear interior.


The current LEGO City Camper Van set 60057 is substantially bigger, and uses some of the different techniques that LEGO are regularly adding to builds nowadays, such as the hinged side and large windows and wall plates. The yellow surf board and red pushbike (not shown) are replaced by the red kayak, life jackets and paddles.



The increase in size allows for a table and a downstairs double bed - pretty essential in campervans.  It also has a huge TV sticker. Our 4 year old misread the instructions and fixed this to the window initially.


The increase in space also allows for the walkthrough to the front cab, you can then turn around the drivers seat as is possible with real campers, and the large roof bed (still only accessible from outside), plus additional roof storage.



Our 4 year old has grown up with little LEGO, so he's pretty good at it, and I think the age range of 5+ is right, he had no issues with the actual build. He doesn't quite understand how number plates work though, and although he can read numbers and recognise letters, he didn't think it was so important to have them the right way up....


...and why would anyone want to correct him when he's this proud....


I think it's a great build, and for the money offers a play set/vehicle that's robust and really easy to play with. It's full of potential for storytelling and imaginative play, and if your 6 year old only had this one LEGO set, they'd still be able to play with it for hours.


The front left Camper Van Play Set 7639 is a discontinued model.
The front right LEGO City Camper Van 60057 costs £17.99
The rear Volkswagen T1 Camper Van 10220 costs £79.99 and I've reviewed it here...

In July Oxo Kitchen Tools sent me 2 of this Summer's new Good Grips kitchen tools to try out. The Little Salad Dressing Shaker and the Herb Mincer really are everything you need to create and serve a multitude of different dressings.


To give me some inspiration I was also sent Filippo Berio Balsamic Vinegar and Olive Oil. Combined these 2 ingredients make a Balsamic Vinaigrette, which serves as a great base for all kinds of other ingredients.

1/4 Balsamic vinegar
3/4 Olive Oil

Season to taste with salt and black pepper

This will give you a perfectly acceptable dressing, but you can do so much more. Garlic, mustard and honey individually or in any combination will spruce up your Balsamic Vinaigrette, but I want to try my herb mincer to create an Italian style dressing that is perfect for salads, or for dipping bread.

I'm not meant to be at home right now. I should be in London. I should be at the MAD blog Awards, hobnobbing with the celebs and star bloggers, eating a very fancy meal in a 5 star hotel. Right about now I should be having my hair and make up done, before putting on a totally posh frock and going out there a Princess. I should be sat beside my friend Jen while she waits to see if she has won an award for My Mummy's Pennies. I should be having a night off, a night out, a stay in a hotel and some amazing company. A fun time. I chose not to go, I am not in the mood for trying to have fun. I hope that everyone has an awesome epic time and whoever got my ticket uses it well.

The LEGO Mixels Series 3 were released on September 1st and LEGO have sent us a couple to look at. As with previous series releases there are 9 Mixels in 3 tribes - this time the Wiztastics, Glorp Corp and Spikels.



Glurt set 41519 is one of the Glorp Corp - gooey creatures who remind me of pre-school age kids - all snot and dirty hands. Glurt is very dog-like, with a big yapping mouth and little legs.


One of the best things about Mixels is the array of interesting elements in each bag, and these are no exception. The builds are quick and require a degree of skill, they're a little tricky for younger children because of the tiny parts, but excellent for promoting fine motor skills and teaching new ways to connect LEGO bricks, and fantastic to play with when built.

This isn't a post about Bootstraps, news which I'm sure will be welcome. This is a post about a company called World's Apart. They emailed me just a few days after Elspeth died, and offered me a nightlight to review.

They got my 'out-of-office' notice and I probably wouldn't have heard from them again, but my 4 and 5 year olds were having awful trouble sleeping. By fluke I saw the email and it was so timely that I replied asking if I could please take a nightlight and review it at some point in the future. At the time the idea of going shopping for lights was even more horrific than it is now, I couldn't have done it.

The PR replied and was incredibly lovely to me and said she'd just send me a light and a torch and she didn't want a review. She wanted to try and help. Here's my thank you...

I had a conversation this morning with a close friend. It went something like this...

F-It's hard I guess, you want to do fun stuff but it can be hard?
Me-When I read my own typing it seems impossible. You can't imagine being happy. You don't want to be
F-No, exactly
Me-You feel guilty at the idea. And then you remember why you weren't happy. So you aren't happy. Everything normal feels different. Boiling the kettle is different
F-Of course
Me-Sitting here typing is different. I'm different
F-You have to find a new normal. Everything has changed
Me-But you don't want to. It feels like you are betraying her
F-You aren't.
Me-Thinking of switching on my laptop feels like I don't care. It's hard. It's really hard
F-Don't do it if you don't feel ready but, equally it may help. Remember that she loved the blog, and all the things she enjoyed through it too, she would want you to find a way to carry on I think

And I typed those words, and I listened to myself, and I re-read them, and I heard my partner yesterday telling me to get back to the blog, and I thought of the reviews I have here, half-written and sitting there, and the things they're written about - the sandpit my 4 year old can't wait to go in after school, however cold it is out there now. The lovely time we had with the little ones at Chill Factore, and the gorgeous books we've been reading.

It's very hard after what's happened to have any confidence in anything I do. I have hardly cooked, I feel everything will be tasteless and insipid.  I have no confidence over anything I do with our children, I worry I did things wrong and I worry we don't really know them at all. It's very hard being that person, and I imagine very hard being a friend to that person, because you can't really do anything to make it better.

Nothing is easy now. Nothing is the same. I will never be the same. But Elspeth liked my blog, she read it, she was impressed with my achievements. Life may not be the same, and actually, we don't want it to be, but I'd be doing my whole family a disservice if I didn't switch on my laptop and pull myself up by the Bootstraps.

A whole wall of sunflowers made by the Foundation children at our school.

Picking up my blogging right now is really hard.


I don't want to have a blog full of the heartache that we're all feeling here at home, it's always been my happy place full of achievements and fun stuff. Even when my partner had Meningitis my blog was where I recorded each and every improvement. Right now it doesn't feel like we can ever have improvement, although logic tells me each and every step back to normal life is a step forward.

Our youngest child started school yesterday. He's 4, he is coping incredibly well on the face of it. He was excited for his first day and ran into school. He has stopped telling everyone we meet all of the details about what happened, which is a relief, but school are ready for it and ready to explain to other parents if their children come home with our son's 'news'.
He has sorted it out in his head. On advice from a Family Support Worker we let him go and see his sister in the chapel, and since then he has stopped being scared that she is still upstairs, and has accepted the permanence of her death.
He isn't sleeping well, so he's tired. He's scared of dark and shadows, so he won't go to the toilet alone or go upstairs without me, and he's only falling asleep with the light on. World's Apart very kindly sent us an amazing night light which is really big and bright, and sound activated, so when he wakes he only has to speak and he has light.
He's scared we'll die. If someone lies in bed late he asks if they've died. He's made me promise I won't get confused and kill myself.  I promise.

Our 5 year old moved over to year 1 and the big school yesterday. He had a good day, he was 'Star Of The Day', and it was meatballs for lunch. He's eating again now. He knows lots about France, and is still wearing his Cockade from the funeral last week. His class are going to study France this half term, maybe if he's up to it he'll sing them something from Les Miserables.
He misses nothing. He sees me go to check on the older children when they sleep in, and asks me if I checked to see if they are dead. I can't lie, so I just give him a hug.
He's going to sleep with the light on, but sleeping well. He has been given a Disney Cars torch that is motion activated, so he can have light at night when wakes. He uses it to check his brother, I know, I've seen him, but I didn't let on.
He's terrified he will die. He's scared he might eat some mud or too much toothpaste or anything else poisonous. He warns his brother whenever he feels he's doing something dangerous. Death is now something that doesn't only happen to the elderly or the very ill. He's realised so terribly young that life is fragile.

The teenagers are all coping in their own ways. They all know it's okay to be happy, smile, laugh. It's okay to watch comedy on TV or have fun with your friends. You can listen to music or play games. You can cry for a reason, cry for secret reason, and cry for no reason. It's all okay.
They're all having help from CAMHs for bereavement counselling. They all need to know it wasn't their fault, and they couldn't have prevented it. No-one can truly be inside someone else's head, we only see what they choose to share. This was true of Elspeth, and it is true now of our other children, and we're trying our best to make sure guilt and anger are not what they feel inside.

Both of our 16 year olds did exceptionally well in their GCSE's. Elspeth had 3 A*'s and 4 more A's and had 11 GCSE's in total. Jake has an A* and 4 more A's and 12 GCSE's in total. This is brilliant, and we're so proud of them. It means that Jake has secured his place at a Specialist Engineering College in the midlands, and will be leaving us, as was always the plan. I'm pleased he's still following his dream, although we'll miss him terribly, but have warned him he'll never be too far for a surprise visit, and he will be joining us alternate weekends and holidays.

The small steps will add up, I know that. It's such a long road ahead that I know we'll never reach the end, but maybe if we keep counting the small steps, we can see the progression more clearly.

First ever LEGO model all by himself, following the instructions x

Without any warning, in the early morning of 15th August 2014, my partner's daughter, one of our children, took her own life. We couldn't have known, and even if we had found her immediately, we couldn't have saved her.

I have written many thousands of blog posts in my head since that morning, here is just one of them...

Dear Elspeth,

You planned it so well. Your Dad was meant to find you, I know that. You couldn't have known I'd have a bad night's sleep and pull your 5 year old brother into bed for an extra half hour with me. You thought we'd be downstairs. You certainly won't have expected that I'd ask your brother to go and tell you to turn off your alarm. He wasn't sure if you were dead, he said he thought maybe you were pretending. I knew from what he said. I knew as I ran to your room. I knew when I saw you, and as I touched your cheek. I had to tell your Dad, and I didn't want to be that person to do that to him. I didn't realise I was screaming and he was already on his way. We both saw we were far too late, we knew that. And that was really the moment when time. just. stopped.

The Police were here for the next 5 hours. Everyone treated us with the utmost care, they really did. You'd have been pleasantly surprised, and possibly disappointed you couldn't find anything to chastise them for. There were so many people in the house, we sat in the kitchen. Your brothers and sisters were in the living room, away from what was happening, in a bubble of Cartoon Network and silence, together under blankets on the sofa. No-one had any socks and it was cold, a Policeman guarded the stairs and it seemed wrong to ask him to let me get some.

They brought down your note. I hadn't seen it, I hadn't even considered it. So typical of you to write so much. I couldn't read it all until they brought us back a copy 4 days later. I couldn't focus my eyes for long enough. I think of you writing and my heart stings so much. You must have felt beyond despair.  You knew how much this would hurt us, you must have been hurting so much more to do it.

You said we aren't to be too sad. I don't know how sad is too sad, but I don't think it's possible to be any more sad than we are now. You have left a gaping hole in our family that can never be filled.

You said it will be easier for us now.  It gives me no comfort to know that I'll never have to deal with your frustrations and anger again. It was a part of you, and you take everything that your child offers, be it good or bad. We didn't care that you were Autistic, you were the same person you'd always been. You were our child, our sibling, and it didn't make us love you any less. No-one is ever perfect all of the time, and you were less trouble than most, for most of every day. I know life was hard work for you, but we didn't realise just how hard.

The meltdowns were awful, but the rewards you offered were so great, couldn't you see that? You were so clever and witty and beautiful. Your obsessions with TV shows and movies, your enthusiasm for the small things, how could you ever think that life would be easier now without you? How can Christmas ever be great again without you there? How can we ever play a board game again without taking note of the space at the table where you always sat? Dr Who was an event when you were there, it just wasn't the same last weekend, and it'll never be as good again.

Never again will we sit downstairs and listen to you play your guitar, no more handpainted birthday cards or fantastic artwork. Who will be the one to be the first there when one of the small boys cry now? Who can I moan at for running on the stairs? Who will I talk to when I make a coffee late at night before bed?

You were hard work, you took up more time than any of our other children, but someone had to be that person. As you got older the mood swings were at least more predictable. I suppose if we knew they were coming, so did you, and you hated the lack of control. You hated the inability to stop yourself, and you would beat yourself up afterwards. You were so worried that you'd break up the family, but that wouldn't have happened. We've been there all this time, we weren't going to give up on you as you became an adult.

You said in your note that your funeral isn't to be lame. We've done our best. Cardboard Tom Jones will be there. You have a purple coffin and a French Legion Of Honour medal just like Gavroche in Les Miserables. Your 5 year old brother will press the button to close your curtains, and you'll leave with the TARDIS. We mentioned Sunflowers and everyone has run away with it, you'd be so delighted. There are the most amazing and beautiful Sunflowers everywhere and they are all for you.

We will always wish that we could have known, we could have seen. Why did you ask me for a Winter coat, why did you arrange a sleepover with your friends, why buy tickets to Manchester Pride? Was there a glimmer of hope that you'd stay longer? As long as I live I will look for the clues, I will search for what I should have known, and I will wish you had told us that you were so desperate inside.

We aren't angry with you, we know you loved us, and you knew we loved you, and I will always be glad that I told you so the day before you died. We miss you. We will all always miss you.

Life might have been a little simpler if you'd been less angry, but you missed the point. Life will never be easier without you xxx
 
 
In a study published by the Autism Research Centre in June 2014 it was found that around 66% of adults with Asperger's Syndrome (high-functioning Autism) have had suicidal thoughts, and 35% had planned or attempted suicide. Because of the nature of Autism, they may be more likely to actually carry it through to a conclusion. 

Childline Freephone 0800 1111 - for children and young people who are struggling and need to talk or need help
The Samaritans - for anyone who needs to talk or is struggling
Child Bereavement UK - for those who have lost a child, and for children who have lost someone. Advice for anyone spending time with bereaved children.
Winston's Wish - the charity for bereaved children
Autism Help.Org - advice and help for families of children with Autism
Papyrus UK - Prevention Of Young Suicide