It's 19 months since we lost Elspeth, and this month we've had loads of smiles. We've been out and about and been pretty busy, and we've taken 3 vanloads of rubbish to the tip. I think that is enough proof in itself that we are getting somewhere, a normality is returning. We're doing regular stuff like regular people.
This month also saw my partner and I finish counselling, which is a
pretty scary step, but one we all felt we were ready for. We're stronger
now, we have learnt it's okay to be truly honest with each other, take time for our own mental health, and that time spent just 'being' is as important as time spent being busy.
When we lost Elspeth and everyone said "life will never be the same", I
thought I understood. I didn't. My old life, all of our old lives,
stopped right there. The way you think changes, they way you feel about
other people changes. The importance you place on every item in your
life is restructured, and what you say and do changes. Everything is
different. Grief is far more about acceptance and adjustment than you
can ever appreciate before you live with it.
Losing someone to suicide
is far more about constantly managing your feelings of guilt and
impotence than you can ever appreciate.
It takes a lot of time to cover everything in your head until you feel
you have reached your conclusions, your closure. You will never achieve any win, only a
stalemate, when every possible move is played out.