It has now been 5 months since Elspeth died, and although we've had Christmas and New Year, a birthday, return to school and everything else, it seems as if I wrote my 4 months post only last week. It seems she's been gone less time even than it did then, it feels more as if she could still be here, alive, in her room playing her guitar or hammering on her keyboard.

Christmas was, in the basic sense of the word, hard. It went well, we did it, the children all had a good time and Santa delivered, but it was exhausting. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and any other possible way, exhausting. We're wiped out now, yet life has to carry on, work has to be done, the washing still has to be cleaned and meals need to be bought and cooked.


I remember first seeing this picture a couple of years ago and as I've lived through the last 18 months it has come into my head so many times. That is me. We're making ourselves eat regularly because we need to stay on the ball, but I'm just not hungry very often, so preparing meals is really tedious. Food doesn't excite me at the moment. We still have a big box of sweet and savoury snacks we bought for Christmas (even the teenagers haven't been really eating much).

The lady in the picture is me, every afternoon when I think of teatime. I don't want to do it, the effort seems so much, but I do. I feed everyone, I eat something, my partner eats something, it's a success. Maybe that's the point, and that picture is not as negative as all that. If you think about it, she's looking pretty organised. She's dressed, there was space on the chair for her to sit down and there aren't any children arguing. Maybe she's doing okay.

I don't have any words of wisdom or advice to other people in my situation, I wish I did, but I know Christmas and the day to day is only working through sheer luck and determination. And I know that we have to have a focus to get us through the next few months, and Christmas is just too far away - although we have already planned a fairly spectacular Christmas LEGO Village for next December - but we can't and shouldn't wish time away like that. The little boys are too little, they change so quickly, the teenagers are all doing exams and this is an important year all round. We need to see our children grow up, and savour every moment.

I'll leave you with some smiles I collected over the last month...and our newly 21 year old's broken wrist, which he acquired on Dec 29th by slipping on ice on the way home from work...


 And a comedy fall from our youngest showman during a family photo....


We miss her....

If you haven't come across it before, then for younger builders who are new to LEGO, there is a range designed especially for them, and it's called LEGO Juniors.


I'm a fan of LEGO Juniors. I think it makes a great bridge between DUPLO and little LEGO. The components are all straightforward little standard LEGO pieces, and they are part of the other ranges, such as Knights, Princess, Batman and City, but if you were making a vehicle then you'd find a chassis piece to start you off, and instead of having to make a complex or large part, it will already be in one piece - as LEGO say 'Easy to Build'.

Today my oldest child is 21. He's not really been a child for a long time now, although he's very good at behaving like a 4 year old at times still....

Of course him being 21 means I must have been a parent for 21 years, which clearly can't be right...




Seeing as he's 21, the time has come. I need to apologise to him for his unruly hair. I know it's a pain in the neck, and whatever style he tries is a nightmare, and only a no.1 or a full on afro seem to work. It is incredibly thick, incredibly curly, and somewhat bizarrely incredibly dark - which has to be my paternal Grandmother's fault. However it does make looking at old photo's far more funny....
 

As soon as funerals are mentioned, one of the very first questions I've always been asked is "what are you going to do with the children?". It seems almost everyone's first default thought is that they shouldn't go, but why not?

I read a blog post written by a Pastor's daughter the other day entitled "Why you should've Taken Your Kids To That Funeral", and it stirred a lot of emotions in me because I have never had any issue with my children going to funerals, but people I know do. 

When our youngest boys were only a few months and 2 years old their Great-Grandmother died. The service was up in Scotland, we couldn't leave the little boys at home, and there was no-one in Scotland to watch them, so they came. I was ready to leave with them at any point, but it wasn't necessary, and I felt that whatever noise they'd have made, it wouldn't have mattered. The small congregation had nothing but smiles for the children, and thanks to us for travelling that distance with them.

My brother died a year later. At 2 and 3 they were still too young for school, the service was back in my home town which I had left several years before, and every relative I had would be there. It didn't really leave me any other option than to take them, and as my brother loved children, I didn't think he'd mind. Some of my relatives did mind, and that was a great shame. The boys were very well behaved, quiet and reverent throughout. It felt very right to have as many of the children with me as was possible. It felt right to have them there to hug and hold, and they didn't become overwhelmed or upset. They were calm.


When Elspeth died last August our children all understood what a funeral was, how it worked and what should happen. We let the children make a lot of the decisions about the service, including choosing the music, dress code and order of service. We chose an amazing Humanist Celebrant and she was delighted the children were so included. On her suggestion our 6 year old pressed the button to close the curtain around his sister. 

There weren't only our children there, her friends were there, schoolchildren and young people filled the room. They all had a chance to lay flowers on her coffin and share their words with the congregation.

Everyone got a chance to mourn together, to celebrate her life, to laugh and cry, and to say goodbye properly. Everyone got a degree of closure. Everyone got a chance to support each other.

By preventing your children from attending funerals you prevent them being there for you. If your child was hurt, you would want to comfort them, and they feel the same way. Crying in front of your child not only shows them it's okay to express emotion, it teaches them how they can help, it gives them a purpose and it makes both of you feel better. It shows them it's okay to feel the loss of that person, they can cry too. It makes everything real.

I think somewhere along the line we did something right, because all 6 of our children coped so incredibly well with their sister's funeral. They were all there for each other, they all took an active part and they all put something of themselves into the service. I think in honesty they coped far better than we did, and without their help we'd have found it all a lot more stressful. I'm very grateful to them.

I gave birth to my youngest child in our living room, while 3 of his brothers sat in the kitchen eating noodle sandwiches. I taught my children about birth and what would happen, I prepared them in case it was very quick and they had to take some responsibility. Nothing that happened that day phased them at all, and they all bonded with their brother immediately, with my 18 month old shouting "my baby" at the Midwife.

Birth and death are what happens. There's other stuff too, but they're the basics and they're going to crop up fairly regularly. You can shield your children from them, but not forever, and being the one who doesn't know the secret is hard enough any time, even harder when you know something is wrong. You might buy your child a pet, and teach them about death that way, but it won't be the same. You can hide your own emotions, but what good does that do when what you really need is for your family to give you a hug? Children have a right to be included IF THEY WISH. If they were part of their life, then in my opinion they should be allowed to mourn and to say goodbye with everyone else.

I once said I hoped there were lots of children at my funeral, lots of smiling and colour, and the person I was talking to told me that was an awful idea. I disagree, I still hope it's the case.

We love the Orion Books Early Readers, and I can proudly say they have helped my 6 year old learn to read, and my 4 year old is now beginning to join in with looking at the words and deciphering a few for himself.


Monstar Makes A Wish is the 3rd Monstar book we've read, and it's another fun story featuring the two children Jon and Jen, and their fluffy pet Monstar. Written by Steve Cole and illustrated by Pete Williamson, it's light-hearted and exciting, and has more than a little dash of fantasy and ridiculousness.

It's the new year and it has brought with it some fantastic new LEGO - new ranges such as Frozen and the Swamp Police, the relaunched Bionicle LEGO, and plenty of  additions to old favourites such as LEGO minifigures Series 13, Friends, Arctic and one of our favourites - The LEGO Movie.


Bionicle LEGO has been relaunched and there are 13 new figures - 6 protectors, 6 Toa heroes and the Lord Of Skull Spiders. My 6 year old loves these and has had great fun playing with them over the past couple of years. They are tricky for young hands to build, hence the 8-14 age range, but they stay together well and are very poseable, so play value is good.

The price point is excellent for children spending birthday money and Christmas vouchers and they retail between £9.99 and £14.99. You can find out more and get some cool background and build ideas on the LEGO Bionicle website.


 
Minifigures Series 13 is a brilliant collection. Only a couple of slightly less interesting figures and some really strong females, which should please a lot of people.

So it's January, we should be hibernating. I don't know about you, but I'm still on auto-pilot brushing my teeth and don't really wake up until the second time someone spills their Cheerios or when I hear a cry of despair as somebody can't find their trousers/PE Kit/shoe/pencil with a yellow rubber on the end or other vital school equipment. It's cold out there, I'm bloated from eating tons of chocolate and walking to school in the dark isn't my favourite thing either. Getting up isn't much fun this time of year.

We're back, I'm back. I took an extended Christmas break, and it turned out we all really needed that. Everything still takes a lot longer and your mind wanders, it was enough to just try and 'do' Christmas and New Year and all the rest of it, there's no way I'd have fitted in much writing.

It's 12th night, and for the first time ever, I have to admit to being kind of glad it's all over. Usually I do feel sad after the decs go down, but this year I am breathing a sigh of relief and my shoulders are relaxing. We did it. We really did it. It went well and my little boys will remember it as being the Christmas of Scalextric and Skylanders, and little else. It was very subdued, very reflective, utterly exhausting and the stress was immense. For the first time without a newborn I found myself falling asleep regularly and repeatedly when I sat down, then staying awake until 2 or 3am worrying and over-thinking, but we did it. 


It's sad that I wanted it over, it's sad that we didn't take the usual photo's, we didn't drink enough to get giggly, I didn't cry when I watched Miracle On 34th Street. I didn't send cards even though that has always been something I've taken very seriously - I didn't know what to write. It was Christmas, but it was missing so much.

Christmas Morning 7am

Christmas morning 8.00am

 It's good that we did have decorations and cool presents, we did all stay up to toast in the new year, we did cook a turkey and a gammon and I made a veggie Beef Wellington of which I was particularly proud. 'Santa' managed to get Minecraft LEGO before it sold out, and although we didn't have real snow at all, we had pretend snow by the gallon and the little boys played with it for hours. We stayed at home, we watched a lot of movies, played board games, ate our bodyweight in chocolate and built LEGO, and we gave all our children the best Christmas we could - and there were lots of smiles. 


The New Year doesn't signify a new start for us, if only it really were that simple. We can't make promises to amend our behaviour or give up alcohol or chocolate and it'll all be good. We don't get a reset. This year there were too many gaps, and the gap will always and forever be there, but Christmas 2015 and New Year 2016 will be easier, and it will be okay.

Midnight 31st December 2014

I shall not miss you....

Last year when I posted my 'goodbyes' on New Year's Eve and was so very glad to see the back of 2013, I had no idea that the second half of 2014 would make me wish I was back there again.

Today, 18 months after developing Meningitis, my partner still has a few memory problems, some residual pain and he does still occasionally fall asleep when stressed, but overall he's back to who he was. He even got back on his bike to take part in the Team Honk baton relay for Sport Relief. 2014 saw steady improvement throughout, and by Easter we had returned to a life where there were 2 strong parents in the house. Life did get a lot easier.